• About

Kayla's Only Heart

~ Always learning. Always progressing.

Kayla's Only Heart

Tag Archives: shame

Unwrapping the Fulfilling Life 

28 Tuesday Apr 2015

Posted by Kayla Stierwalt in Journal

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

childhood, children, church, class, comfort, connected, connection, counseling, depression, despair, doubt, emotional hurt, environment, family, forgiveness, fulfilled, fulfilling, hope, hopeful, hopelessness, innocence, life, loss of innocence, opportunity, pain, protection, safe, shame, therapy, wounds

As I’ve been attending individual counseling therapy and a church class about the clinical side of emotional hurt, I’ve learned that I have layers of shame wrapped around me. More importantly, I am learning from where they stem and how I can start removing those layers so I am no longer trapped underneath them.

Some of this involves forgiveness, including myself as well as family members and people in my past. The main root of these layers comes from some painful childhood experiences as well as generally chaotic and sometimes unsafe environments in the past. Those events extended into loss of innocence and shame of having been harmed (and from not sharing) and thoughts of how life could have been or could be different “if only…”. My first main step is opening the door where I have locked away all the pain so I can finally let some of it go and become free. Then as I uncover specific details and wounds, I can break their hold of me. 

Ultimately, I will reach a point where I don’t believe the doubting voices in my head and will feel like I can confidently pursue my goals and feel worthy of myself, my efforts, my contributions to the world. I can also break the unconscious vows I made to myself in attempts of protecting myself from further pain. I have vowed not to make children experience what I did as a child, thus making it impossible for me to know if I even want children. Once I let that go, I can see that I can still have a fulfilling family and create a safe and happy home environment (the latter of which I have accomplished as I made my own home in college but have later realized it also includes self imposed isolation as a family of one). In turn, allowing myself to have what I block in the interest of protection gives me an opportunity to lead a more fulfilling and connected life, built up by being plugged in. 

Hopelessness may lead to more despair and self-pity, even self-hatred. Yet I have hope that as I unwrap those layers and leave them somewhere that’s not a shadowy party of my heart (as seemingly comforting as they can trick my mind into feeling with their familiarity), I can wrap myself in more positive life experiences and be better equipped to weather the difficult ones. 

Advertisements

Free from Shame 

27 Monday Apr 2015

Posted by Kayla Stierwalt in Journal

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

bondage, Christ, Christian, Christian living, Christianity, forgiveness, free, freedom, God, grace, guilt, past, redemption, shame, sin, wounds

Shame can have numerous roots: feeling inadequate in meeting personal or familial standards, failing to fit into societal norms, experiencing trauma, living in a negative environment. I personally have layers of shame from all those causes. Sometimes I feel guilty for actually doing something wrong; other times I feel shame as a result of not meeting imposed standards. Either way, recognizing the shame or guilt and working through the incident is key to not wearing a coat of shame and ultimately being held captive by that. Fortunately, our graceful God forgives our sins and heals us of sins committed against us. While we may not forget and scars will remain, a life free of shame’s bondage is still available. 

Devil’s Path

20 Monday Apr 2015

Posted by Kayla Stierwalt in Poetry/Lyrics

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

depression, devil, enemy, Haiku, NaPoWriMo, poem, poetry, self, shame

Enemy footholds

Crater my shameful inside

Unprotected self 

Uncovering the Pain: The Full Experience in the Present

12 Sunday Apr 2015

Posted by Kayla Stierwalt in Essay, Journal

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

affection, book, Christian, Christian living, Christianity, emotions, experience, expression, faith, inhibition, life, Living in the Freedom of the Spirit, pain, reaction, reading, shame, Tom Marshall, wound

            I, like many others, tend to bury my negative emotions. In some ways, I was trained never to express such sentiments. While the intention for me to inhibit these expressions has good thought, not dealing with them leads to further pain. I currently experience present pain as a result of past pain. This makes it difficult to simply “get over” those situations. Now I learn that fully experiencing these emotions plays a central role in unraveling the shame associated with them and conquering the subsequent fears. Then I can continue moving forward in a positive manner.

            I encourage you to allow yourself to experience your emotions so they can come and go. As you do this with me, pay close attention to your reactions. Keeping your perception and emotion rooted in truth plays a key role in not letting the negative experiences leave a festering wound. Understanding the way you filter your feelings may also help you uncover how you express affection and realize how to inhibit that less as well. Properly handling reactions and emotions will help us grow positively rather than stagnate in pain.

*reading reflection on Living in the Freedom of the Spirit by Tom Marshall

Invisible Shame

08 Wednesday Apr 2015

Posted by Kayla Stierwalt in Poetry/Lyrics

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

anxiety, depression, Haiku, invisible, lifestyle, poem, poetry, shame

No one witnesses

Invisibility cloaks

Lifestyles of shame 

Darkness Attacks

07 Tuesday Apr 2015

Posted by Kayla Stierwalt in Poetry/Lyrics

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

anxiety, battle, darkness, depression, Haiku, heart, light, poem, poetry, shame

Take my shameful heart

Expose long-lasting attack 

Conquer the darkness

Halted Growth

03 Friday Apr 2015

Posted by Kayla Stierwalt in Poetry/Lyrics

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

anxiety, depression, growth, Haiku, life, poem, poetry, shame

Deeply swaddled shame 

Leaves no arms for extending 

Beyond halted growth

Rejection Legacy of Shame

02 Thursday Apr 2015

Posted by Kayla Stierwalt in Poetry/Lyrics

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

anxiety, childhood, depression, Haiku, legacy, life, poem, poetry, rejection, shame

Rejecting a child

Leaves a legacy of shame 

Never growing up

Shameful Suffocation 

01 Wednesday Apr 2015

Posted by Kayla Stierwalt in Poetry/Lyrics

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

anxiety, darkness, depression, Haiku, life, light, poem, poetry, shame, stillness

No stillness inside 

From suffocating in shame 

Covering the light 

Proverb 4: Wisdom’s Light of Hope

28 Saturday Mar 2015

Posted by Kayla Stierwalt in Journal

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

bible, Christian, Christian living, Christianity, heart, hope, light, Proverbs, rejection, scripture, shame, therapy, wisdom

“Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.” 

Proverb 4:23

Reading this in the midst of intensive therapy calls attention to the fact that I must guard my heart from darkness already dwelling there. To put it vaguely, I have shadows cast from past rejection, abuse and shame. These weights keep me from pouring out love as well as prevent me from accepting any. The time has come to shine more light upon them so the sun gets to full noon, making it impossible for the shadows to exist. Then those experiences can develop further wisdom and understanding. I pray I can spill that lovingly so that other people can see the light and feel the warmth of that hope as well. 

“The path of the righteous is like the first gleam of dawn, 

shining ever brighter till the full light of day.”

Proverb 4:18

Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Join 711 other followers

You can't make advances if you don't take chances. These posts share my perspectives of my journey as I step forward, walking in the Light.

Recent Posts

  • Book Review: The Breakdown by B.A. Paris
  • Book Review: The Captain’s Daughter by Jennifer Delamere
  • Empty Truth
  • Book Review: Beloved Hope by Tracie Peterson
  • Wonder Book Review: Kinder Than Necessary

Categories

  • Beauty
  • books
  • Essay
  • Journal
  • Photography
  • Playlists
  • Poetry/Lyrics
  • Uncategorized

RSS my weekly nail creations

  • Starlit Darkness 
              As it felt like I continued to fall deeper into darkness, I reminded myself to keep dreaming positively. My stars matched my pajamas to encourage my sleeping dreams as well.  The following weekend I ventured out with my friends to attend a Taking Back Sunday and The Used concert. Surrounding […]
    Kayla Stierwalt
  • Falling
          These plain manicures go back to the fall. The season marked a time of change and a new look at my world. Perhaps the perspective in what I held in my hands stole some of the focus and expression I would normally have for my nail art.  I went from a bold […]
    Kayla Stierwalt
  • Plain Sparkles
    After the Top Shelf plain manicure, I had another plain one with some sparkles added. I just didn’t feel spirited enough to enjoy my me time. I still made myself go through the motions though. I might not have been applying makeup regularly, but I kept my nails polished. The little touches kept me from […]
    Kayla Stierwalt

Facebook

Facebook

Twitter Updates

Error: Twitter did not respond. Please wait a few minutes and refresh this page.

Goodreads

#goodmorning droopy #flower! Perk up for the #weekend! I've got a party to attend today.
This #heart #leaf looks like it's ready for a #warm embrace. #transformationtuesday My heart is more open again and ready to invite people in to enjoy its #warmth. #summer #tree #outdoors
#manicuremonday involves a lot of #green today. No wonder I feel so #good. #manicure #mani #nails #happy #fossil #watch #michaelkors #glassds #love #ring

RSS Pendey in Kensia

  • An error has occurred; the feed is probably down. Try again later.

RSS tumblr

  • An error has occurred; the feed is probably down. Try again later.

Blog Stats

  • 6,148 hits
Advertisements

Blog Stats

  • 6,148 hits

Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com.