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Kayla's Only Heart

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Kayla's Only Heart

Tag Archives: shame

The Great American Reader: Harry Potter – Ask Questions

08 Friday Feb 2019

Posted by KaylasOnlyHeart in books, Uncategorized

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bookish, books, childhood, family, Great American Read, Great American Reader, growth, Harry Potter, hope, identity, questions, shame

Harry Potter lives with his aunt, uncle and cousin after witnessing his parents’ deaths as an infant. The Dursleys provide the worst home environment imagination. Mostly ignored, Harry sleeps in the cupboard under the stairs with spiders, the other unwanted species in the house. He learns early that his adoptive family does not welcome questions. Early on, the book notes, “Don’t ask questions – that was the first rule for a quiet life with the Dursleys.” Harry first realizes this when he asks Aunt Petunia about the scar on his forehead and only finds out the truth later from a stranger. Though they may bring up uncomfortable conversations, questions play a crucial role in developing relationships as well as forming an identity and values.

Harry’s aunt and uncle deny him a lot more than his physical needs. They neglect him as a person, and provide him not only no familial bonds but no sense of himself either. Wondering what happened to his parents leaves a gap in Harry’s heart. The brush offs regarding his questions do not give him a route to learn about his own history, let alone forge his own identity. They also do not ask him questions, making it easy to gloss over the fact that they do not give Harry what he needs as a child. When they don’t ask if he got enough food after losing half his meal, they don’t have to acknowledge he may go hungry.

These scenarios play out in everyday life too. Rather than ask for more details, we assume someone can manage just fine. Not knowing someone could use help makes it easier to tell ourselves we don’t need to offer any. Guessing the answer to someone’s question or brushing it off as unimportant invites shame or distances trust because that person hears they struggle with a task simple to everyone else. Instead of pushing off the discomfort, let’s welcome the potential to grow from questions. Sorting through the answers can launch numerous positive aspects like a stronger sense of self, a deeper bond between the people discussing and a higher level of understanding.

Hope Waits

03 Monday Dec 2018

Posted by KaylasOnlyHeart in Poetry/Lyrics, Uncategorized

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Tags

growing, healing, hope, poem, poetry, roots, shame, waiting

Waiting, always

when shame goes

after all it sows

never knowing

 

Growing, rooted

some fruitful

others hurtful

rooted all the same

 

Sharing, hopeful

too afraid

offers made

yet none taken

 

Intending, helpful

not result

instead tumult

burying healing

Unwrapping the Fulfilling Life 

28 Tuesday Apr 2015

Posted by KaylasOnlyHeart in Journal

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Tags

childhood, children, church, class, comfort, connected, connection, counseling, depression, despair, doubt, emotional hurt, environment, family, forgiveness, fulfilled, fulfilling, hope, hopeful, hopelessness, innocence, life, loss of innocence, opportunity, pain, protection, safe, shame, therapy, wounds

As I’ve been attending individual counseling therapy and a church class about the clinical side of emotional hurt, I’ve learned that I have layers of shame wrapped around me. More importantly, I am learning from where they stem and how I can start removing those layers so I am no longer trapped underneath them.

Some of this involves forgiveness, including myself as well as family members and people in my past. The main root of these layers comes from some painful childhood experiences as well as generally chaotic and sometimes unsafe environments in the past. Those events extended into loss of innocence and shame of having been harmed (and from not sharing) and thoughts of how life could have been or could be different “if only…”. My first main step is opening the door where I have locked away all the pain so I can finally let some of it go and become free. Then as I uncover specific details and wounds, I can break their hold of me. 

Ultimately, I will reach a point where I don’t believe the doubting voices in my head and will feel like I can confidently pursue my goals and feel worthy of myself, my efforts, my contributions to the world. I can also break the unconscious vows I made to myself in attempts of protecting myself from further pain. I have vowed not to make children experience what I did as a child, thus making it impossible for me to know if I even want children. Once I let that go, I can see that I can still have a fulfilling family and create a safe and happy home environment (the latter of which I have accomplished as I made my own home in college but have later realized it also includes self imposed isolation as a family of one). In turn, allowing myself to have what I block in the interest of protection gives me an opportunity to lead a more fulfilling and connected life, built up by being plugged in. 

Hopelessness may lead to more despair and self-pity, even self-hatred. Yet I have hope that as I unwrap those layers and leave them somewhere that’s not a shadowy party of my heart (as seemingly comforting as they can trick my mind into feeling with their familiarity), I can wrap myself in more positive life experiences and be better equipped to weather the difficult ones. 

Free from Shame 

27 Monday Apr 2015

Posted by KaylasOnlyHeart in Journal

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Tags

bondage, Christ, Christian, Christian living, Christianity, forgiveness, free, freedom, God, grace, guilt, past, redemption, shame, sin, wounds

Shame can have numerous roots: feeling inadequate in meeting personal or familial standards, failing to fit into societal norms, experiencing trauma, living in a negative environment. I personally have layers of shame from all those causes. Sometimes I feel guilty for actually doing something wrong; other times I feel shame as a result of not meeting imposed standards. Either way, recognizing the shame or guilt and working through the incident is key to not wearing a coat of shame and ultimately being held captive by that. Fortunately, our graceful God forgives our sins and heals us of sins committed against us. While we may not forget and scars will remain, a life free of shame’s bondage is still available. 

Devil’s Path

20 Monday Apr 2015

Posted by KaylasOnlyHeart in Poetry/Lyrics

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depression, devil, enemy, Haiku, NaPoWriMo, poem, poetry, self, shame

Enemy footholds

Crater my shameful inside

Unprotected self 

Uncovering the Pain: The Full Experience in the Present

12 Sunday Apr 2015

Posted by KaylasOnlyHeart in Essay, Journal

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Tags

affection, book, Christian, Christian living, Christianity, emotions, experience, expression, faith, inhibition, life, Living in the Freedom of the Spirit, pain, reaction, reading, shame, Tom Marshall, wound

            I, like many others, tend to bury my negative emotions. In some ways, I was trained never to express such sentiments. While the intention for me to inhibit these expressions has good thought, not dealing with them leads to further pain. I currently experience present pain as a result of past pain. This makes it difficult to simply “get over” those situations. Now I learn that fully experiencing these emotions plays a central role in unraveling the shame associated with them and conquering the subsequent fears. Then I can continue moving forward in a positive manner.

            I encourage you to allow yourself to experience your emotions so they can come and go. As you do this with me, pay close attention to your reactions. Keeping your perception and emotion rooted in truth plays a key role in not letting the negative experiences leave a festering wound. Understanding the way you filter your feelings may also help you uncover how you express affection and realize how to inhibit that less as well. Properly handling reactions and emotions will help us grow positively rather than stagnate in pain.

*reading reflection on Living in the Freedom of the Spirit by Tom Marshall

Invisible Shame

08 Wednesday Apr 2015

Posted by KaylasOnlyHeart in Poetry/Lyrics

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Tags

anxiety, depression, Haiku, invisible, lifestyle, poem, poetry, shame

No one witnesses

Invisibility cloaks

Lifestyles of shame 

Darkness Attacks

07 Tuesday Apr 2015

Posted by KaylasOnlyHeart in Poetry/Lyrics

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Tags

anxiety, battle, darkness, depression, Haiku, heart, light, poem, poetry, shame

Take my shameful heart

Expose long-lasting attack 

Conquer the darkness

Halted Growth

03 Friday Apr 2015

Posted by KaylasOnlyHeart in Poetry/Lyrics

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Tags

anxiety, depression, growth, Haiku, life, poem, poetry, shame

Deeply swaddled shame 

Leaves no arms for extending 

Beyond halted growth

Rejection Legacy of Shame

02 Thursday Apr 2015

Posted by KaylasOnlyHeart in Poetry/Lyrics

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Tags

anxiety, childhood, depression, Haiku, legacy, life, poem, poetry, rejection, shame

Rejecting a child

Leaves a legacy of shame 

Never growing up

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You can't make advances if you don't take chances. These posts share my perspectives of my journey as I step forward, walking in the Light.

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