03 Monday Dec 2018
Posted in Poetry/Lyrics, Uncategorized
Waiting, always
when shame goes
after all it sows
never knowing
Growing, rooted
some fruitful
others hurtful
rooted all the same
Sharing, hopeful
too afraid
offers made
yet none taken
Intending, helpful
not result
instead tumult
burying healing
28 Tuesday Apr 2015
Posted in Journal
Tags
childhood, children, church, class, comfort, connected, connection, counseling, depression, despair, doubt, emotional hurt, environment, family, forgiveness, fulfilled, fulfilling, hope, hopeful, hopelessness, innocence, life, loss of innocence, opportunity, pain, protection, safe, shame, therapy, wounds
Some of this involves forgiveness, including myself as well as family members and people in my past. The main root of these layers comes from some painful childhood experiences as well as generally chaotic and sometimes unsafe environments in the past. Those events extended into loss of innocence and shame of having been harmed (and from not sharing) and thoughts of how life could have been or could be different “if only…”. My first main step is opening the door where I have locked away all the pain so I can finally let some of it go and become free. Then as I uncover specific details and wounds, I can break their hold of me.
Ultimately, I will reach a point where I don’t believe the doubting voices in my head and will feel like I can confidently pursue my goals and feel worthy of myself, my efforts, my contributions to the world. I can also break the unconscious vows I made to myself in attempts of protecting myself from further pain. I have vowed not to make children experience what I did as a child, thus making it impossible for me to know if I even want children. Once I let that go, I can see that I can still have a fulfilling family and create a safe and happy home environment (the latter of which I have accomplished as I made my own home in college but have later realized it also includes self imposed isolation as a family of one). In turn, allowing myself to have what I block in the interest of protection gives me an opportunity to lead a more fulfilling and connected life, built up by being plugged in.
Hopelessness may lead to more despair and self-pity, even self-hatred. Yet I have hope that as I unwrap those layers and leave them somewhere that’s not a shadowy party of my heart (as seemingly comforting as they can trick my mind into feeling with their familiarity), I can wrap myself in more positive life experiences and be better equipped to weather the difficult ones.
27 Monday Apr 2015
Posted in Journal
Tags
bondage, Christ, Christian, Christian living, Christianity, forgiveness, free, freedom, God, grace, guilt, past, redemption, shame, sin, wounds
Shame can have numerous roots: feeling inadequate in meeting personal or familial standards, failing to fit into societal norms, experiencing trauma, living in a negative environment. I personally have layers of shame from all those causes. Sometimes I feel guilty for actually doing something wrong; other times I feel shame as a result of not meeting imposed standards. Either way, recognizing the shame or guilt and working through the incident is key to not wearing a coat of shame and ultimately being held captive by that. Fortunately, our graceful God forgives our sins and heals us of sins committed against us. While we may not forget and scars will remain, a life free of shame’s bondage is still available.
20 Monday Apr 2015
Posted in Poetry/Lyrics
12 Sunday Apr 2015
Tags
affection, book, Christian, Christian living, Christianity, emotions, experience, expression, faith, inhibition, life, Living in the Freedom of the Spirit, pain, reaction, reading, shame, Tom Marshall, wound
I, like many others, tend to bury my negative emotions. In some ways, I was trained never to express such sentiments. While the intention for me to inhibit these expressions has good thought, not dealing with them leads to further pain. I currently experience present pain as a result of past pain. This makes it difficult to simply “get over” those situations. Now I learn that fully experiencing these emotions plays a central role in unraveling the shame associated with them and conquering the subsequent fears. Then I can continue moving forward in a positive manner.
I encourage you to allow yourself to experience your emotions so they can come and go. As you do this with me, pay close attention to your reactions. Keeping your perception and emotion rooted in truth plays a key role in not letting the negative experiences leave a festering wound. Understanding the way you filter your feelings may also help you uncover how you express affection and realize how to inhibit that less as well. Properly handling reactions and emotions will help us grow positively rather than stagnate in pain.
*reading reflection on Living in the Freedom of the Spirit by Tom Marshall
08 Wednesday Apr 2015
Posted in Poetry/Lyrics
07 Tuesday Apr 2015
Posted in Poetry/Lyrics
03 Friday Apr 2015
Posted in Poetry/Lyrics
02 Thursday Apr 2015
Posted in Poetry/Lyrics
01 Wednesday Apr 2015
Posted in Poetry/Lyrics
