Tag Archives: forgiveness

Meetings Follow-Up

22 Monday Feb 2016

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This week has started well, especially as I mentioned the importance of meetings in my last post. I made it to church yesterday morning and my support group this evening. As I’ve ventured out from my dip in isolation, I’ve found several supportive peers and friends eager to see me and encourage me. Tonight especially, I was repeatedly reminded that I need not travel this healing road alone and that sharing my struggle (as well as my victory) frees me and opens the lane for others coming down the same road; the content of the lesson on principle 8 associated with the twelfth step in the 12 Steps, which focuses on sharing God’s word and work by example, and a personalized word of encouragement from a woman who shares a similar experience as me have made me realize a truth that’s been on my heart: I need to continue forgiving and sharing my hurts, habits and hang-ups. I NEED to take this action.

Fortunately this action can make use of my spiritual gifts of writing, encouragement and teaching…and that’s just from sharing it via writing. Here’s to sharing my recovery journey, me seeing my healing and others seeing God’s light shining in and through it.

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Unwrapping the Fulfilling Life 

28 Tuesday Apr 2015

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As I’ve been attending individual counseling therapy and a church class about the clinical side of emotional hurt, I’ve learned that I have layers of shame wrapped around me. More importantly, I am learning from where they stem and how I can start removing those layers so I am no longer trapped underneath them.

Some of this involves forgiveness, including myself as well as family members and people in my past. The main root of these layers comes from some painful childhood experiences as well as generally chaotic and sometimes unsafe environments in the past. Those events extended into loss of innocence and shame of having been harmed (and from not sharing) and thoughts of how life could have been or could be different “if only…”. My first main step is opening the door where I have locked away all the pain so I can finally let some of it go and become free. Then as I uncover specific details and wounds, I can break their hold of me. 

Ultimately, I will reach a point where I don’t believe the doubting voices in my head and will feel like I can confidently pursue my goals and feel worthy of myself, my efforts, my contributions to the world. I can also break the unconscious vows I made to myself in attempts of protecting myself from further pain. I have vowed not to make children experience what I did as a child, thus making it impossible for me to know if I even want children. Once I let that go, I can see that I can still have a fulfilling family and create a safe and happy home environment (the latter of which I have accomplished as I made my own home in college but have later realized it also includes self imposed isolation as a family of one). In turn, allowing myself to have what I block in the interest of protection gives me an opportunity to lead a more fulfilling and connected life, built up by being plugged in. 

Hopelessness may lead to more despair and self-pity, even self-hatred. Yet I have hope that as I unwrap those layers and leave them somewhere that’s not a shadowy party of my heart (as seemingly comforting as they can trick my mind into feeling with their familiarity), I can wrap myself in more positive life experiences and be better equipped to weather the difficult ones. 

Free from Shame 

27 Monday Apr 2015

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Shame can have numerous roots: feeling inadequate in meeting personal or familial standards, failing to fit into societal norms, experiencing trauma, living in a negative environment. I personally have layers of shame from all those causes. Sometimes I feel guilty for actually doing something wrong; other times I feel shame as a result of not meeting imposed standards. Either way, recognizing the shame or guilt and working through the incident is key to not wearing a coat of shame and ultimately being held captive by that. Fortunately, our graceful God forgives our sins and heals us of sins committed against us. While we may not forget and scars will remain, a life free of shame’s bondage is still available.