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Kayla's Only Heart

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Kayla's Only Heart

Tag Archives: despair

Thoughtful Thursday: Prison Mates in The Count of Monte Cristo

10 Thursday Jan 2019

Posted by KaylasOnlyHeart in books, The Great American Reader, Uncategorized

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books, company, despair, Great American Read, hope, light, pit, presence, strength, support, The Count of Monte Cristo, The Great American Reader

In The Count of Monte Cristo, Edmond Dantes eventually discovers he has a neighbor in a nearby cell. The dungeon has left him darkness and pulled his hope into despair. Yet not long before fulfilling his idea to starve himself, he hears a tapping sound that renews his hope. That day he eats again. Then he also starts chipping at his own wall, slowly making a passage to connect to his neighbor’s. Knowing he doesn’t suffer alone gives him hope and strength to move forward.

Once the prisoners succeed with their adjoining tunnel, they meet. Instantly, their hopes improve. Faria even literally steps into the sliver of light shining through the small window in Dantes’ cell as Dantes casts his first glance upon his new friend. As they learn they can trust each other, they begin to make plans. Faria shares his plethora of history and language knowledge. Eventually, they renew their efforts to escape their prison.

People often compare the darkness of mental illness as a pit, and people often feel stuck in what seems like a prison not unlike the one where Dantes and Faria find themselves. Yet when they join each other, their hope renews. They don’t bring the misunderstanding, accusations or judgment their guards have cast on them unhelpfully but bring company. The simple presence gives the possibility of trust. Outside the pages, we often forget to begin with this step when someone we love falls into the pit. Joining the friend shows they don’t suffer alone and serves as a starting point for giving them a safe place to share their struggles as Dantes and Faria share their backgrounds with each other as a way to form understanding. Then, sharing knowledge and support, we can work together to find a way back into the light.

 

Garden Gnome

15 Thursday Sep 2016

Posted by KaylasOnlyHeart in Poetry/Lyrics, Uncategorized

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despair, flowers, friend, friendship, fulfill, garden, hope, poem, poetry, prayer, rain, reason, soul, sunshine, together

Glimpsing your flowers

I need not guess

to discern sunshine

the reason to your air

 

strolling your garden

I need not dig

to measure the depths

the root of your despair

 

dancing in rainfall

I need no gauge

to know it’s fertile

this soil we may share

 

growing together

we need not feast

to fulfill our souls

this one endless prayer

Unwrapping the Fulfilling Life 

28 Tuesday Apr 2015

Posted by KaylasOnlyHeart in Journal

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childhood, children, church, class, comfort, connected, connection, counseling, depression, despair, doubt, emotional hurt, environment, family, forgiveness, fulfilled, fulfilling, hope, hopeful, hopelessness, innocence, life, loss of innocence, opportunity, pain, protection, safe, shame, therapy, wounds

As I’ve been attending individual counseling therapy and a church class about the clinical side of emotional hurt, I’ve learned that I have layers of shame wrapped around me. More importantly, I am learning from where they stem and how I can start removing those layers so I am no longer trapped underneath them.

Some of this involves forgiveness, including myself as well as family members and people in my past. The main root of these layers comes from some painful childhood experiences as well as generally chaotic and sometimes unsafe environments in the past. Those events extended into loss of innocence and shame of having been harmed (and from not sharing) and thoughts of how life could have been or could be different “if only…”. My first main step is opening the door where I have locked away all the pain so I can finally let some of it go and become free. Then as I uncover specific details and wounds, I can break their hold of me. 

Ultimately, I will reach a point where I don’t believe the doubting voices in my head and will feel like I can confidently pursue my goals and feel worthy of myself, my efforts, my contributions to the world. I can also break the unconscious vows I made to myself in attempts of protecting myself from further pain. I have vowed not to make children experience what I did as a child, thus making it impossible for me to know if I even want children. Once I let that go, I can see that I can still have a fulfilling family and create a safe and happy home environment (the latter of which I have accomplished as I made my own home in college but have later realized it also includes self imposed isolation as a family of one). In turn, allowing myself to have what I block in the interest of protection gives me an opportunity to lead a more fulfilling and connected life, built up by being plugged in. 

Hopelessness may lead to more despair and self-pity, even self-hatred. Yet I have hope that as I unwrap those layers and leave them somewhere that’s not a shadowy party of my heart (as seemingly comforting as they can trick my mind into feeling with their familiarity), I can wrap myself in more positive life experiences and be better equipped to weather the difficult ones. 

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You can't make advances if you don't take chances. These posts share my perspectives of my journey as I step forward, walking in the Light.

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