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Kayla's Only Heart

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Kayla's Only Heart

Tag Archives: depressed

Knitting My Community To Surround Myself With Goodness

07 Wednesday Jan 2015

Posted by KaylasOnlyHeart in Journal

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Tags

alone, basics, community, company, coping, cure, demons, depressed, depression, foundation, friends, goals, goodness, misery, purpose, support, surroundings, writing

Misery loves its company, and those demons in the back of my head try so hard to accompany me in my depression. The more time I spend alone, the stronger their presence. I need moments to myself to recharge, but my current situation calls for a rearrangement of such occasions. I have to take extra effort to surround myself with my supportive friends and to sort through my closet of thoughts (in public places). Strangers and close friends alike form my support group. All I need to do is knit them together to keep me wrapped in goodness.

Right now, I’m sipping coffee at the Dunkin Donuts across the bridge from my apartment. I have taken advantage of people who care about me and the comfort of strangers’ presence this evening. A friend from church met me for coffee to discuss our mutual struggle and to encourage me to keep utilizing my positive coping skills, particularly writing and exercising. I called my brother while I ate dinner, and he gave me that final push I needed to face the cold weather to get here. Now I sit under the florescent lights and predominantly orange walls turning my words into action. The radio plays peppy Top 40 music while the workers take care of their closing routine behind the counter. Those simple sounds remind me I am not alone.

All I’ve needed to do is take advantage of these people and places readily available to me. My church friend, brother, and numerous close friends have reminded me that I can call on them any time. My friends even put together two birthday dinners in honor of my birthday last weekend, because they love me and walk alongside me. I simply need to coax myself into making those contacts when I’m down (and in general) to keep me in community. Then I can take a short trip down the road to meet my thoughts in a public place where I can discuss them on paper. Now I really know I won’t be alone.

These people and places alone don’t “cure” my depression, but they give me a starting point. It takes constant effort to progress, and I still aim for a lot of goal fulfillment in the near future. Taking care of my foundation and basics will make it possible to tackle the rest. I know I am meant to live in community, meaning with other people and not the depressing demons who threaten to haunt me. I am a little more needy than usual right now, but I trust that my interactions and writing still serve purpose. In misery’s company, we still find goodness in community.

Squeeze

10 Monday Nov 2014

Posted by KaylasOnlyHeart in Poetry/Lyrics

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Tags

alone, anchor, depressed, depression, embrace, emptiness, hope, hopeless, hug, loneliness, lonely, pain, poem, poetry, sadness, writing

Tonight’s bottoms up

Two glasses for me

When there’s no you

I drift away lonely

 

The red flows

And I float

Above my aching pain

Aware of emptiness

 

Alone in the dark

I curl inside myself

Not reaching out

No hug to anchor me

 

All it takes is one

A simple embrace

To make me whole again

Bigger than myself

Go

05 Sunday Oct 2014

Posted by KaylasOnlyHeart in Poetry/Lyrics

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Tags

depressed, depression, emptiness, Haiku, memory, poem, poetry, running away, sadness

Wrapped in memory
Running away in circles
Emptiness inside

(Alone) In A One Man Army

27 Saturday Sep 2014

Posted by KaylasOnlyHeart in Poetry/Lyrics

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Tags

alone, depressed, depression, music, poem, poetry, sadness, solitude, trapped

Pushing away my last line

I’m left truly alone

Past my last defense

It’s a one man army

 

Attacked from the outside

The beats are caged

Not allowed to leave

Only spill their remnants

 

Triggered from outside

The holes flow both ways

Pain going in, emptiness prevails

No permanent visitor but lonesome blues

 

The melodies roll in

The words a kind rhythm

To pull me through

Cleansing drops emerge through gray

 

But when the songs end

And I lay down my pen

I sit on an empty couch

In selected solitude, alone again

Sad Eyes

23 Tuesday Sep 2014

Posted by KaylasOnlyHeart in Photography

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Tags

bear, depressed, depression, eyes, frog, Photo, photography, sad, sadness, selfie, teddy bear

IMG_3411.JPG

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What Tears May Come

18 Thursday Sep 2014

Posted by KaylasOnlyHeart in Poetry/Lyrics

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Tags

crying, depressed, depression, emptiness, hope, poem, poetry, sad, sadness, tears

When crying becomes regular

A sad song stirs tears

The catharsis a reality

 

Familiar sounds in a familiar place

No longer provide comfort

My eyes wash away normal

 

Silent streams, heavy breaths

Breathe in pain, exhale hope

Mouth opens no words

 

No action, just idea

A picture far away inside

My world I can’t touch

 

I want to reach

But my hands remain

Stagnant at my side

 

I get farther away

Filling less of myself

Faith holds my heart

Turning, Spinning, Moving

17 Wednesday Sep 2014

Posted by KaylasOnlyHeart in Poetry/Lyrics

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Tags

depressed, depression, heart, light, poem, poetry, sad, sadness, tears

My heart rate rises

And the tears return

with nothing left to blame

 

I’ve been washed clean

The drugs gone for now

With my head active

 

The wheels turn again

But so does the water wheel

Words and water flowing

 

Sources, destination unknown

Head spinning in place

My face lands in my hands

 

What can I see

Where can I point

No aim with closed eyes

 

Stay in place

Move like clouds

Light shining through

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You can't make advances if you don't take chances. These posts share my perspectives of my journey as I step forward, walking in the Light.

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