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Book Review: One by One: Welcoming the Singles in Your Church

17 Friday Nov 2017

Posted by Kayla Stierwalt in books, Uncategorized

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Baker Books, Baker Books Bloggers, book review, books, Christian, Christian living, church, community, dating, One by One, single, single life

I received a copy of One by One: Welcoming the Singles in Your Church by Gina Dalfonzo.

Gina Dalfonzo approaches a highly important topic in today’s culture in her new book One by One: Welcoming the Singles in Your Church. As a single adult, Dalfonzo has spent numerous years observing and experiencing the church’s approach to its single members. As a young adult single, I could relate to most of what she said. Dalfonzo tackles her topic from numerous angles, ranging from sharing singles’ feelings of being left out of a generally family oriented culture to suggesting how the church might incorporate singles into ministry.

At first I disliked the way she shared so many paragraphs of examples taken from her surveys of singles. I didn’t want to read a bunch of seemingly unconnected, brief notes from numerous people. It also didn’t seem like they were incorporated in the expected manner (an introduction to the person and the quote), but after a while I grew to appreciate the thoughts of so many singles. I found they didn’t necessitate high credentials to represent the plight of everyday people found in every church. It kept it on a realistic level, allowing me to continue to find myself amongst those singles.

Overall, the points made stayed spot on. Dalfonzo captured the negative feelings a lot of singles have felt as an unintentional effect of how some people approach them (even with good intentions) and how the church steers their belonging in groups and ministry. It brought to light a lot of disappointment and how people can unintentionally compound the pain of searching for a mate. Hopefully it helps people see how to better approach how they “help” singles in their quest for a mate and how they understand their unique set of difficulties. For example, Dalfonzo points out how many married folks may quickly think to themselves that a single doesn’t know the true meaning of busyness since they don’t have kids, etc; however, as Dalfonzo points out, married people might forget that a single person still has a household with an equal amount of chores that they must do alone since they don’t have a mate to assist with the work. Most importantly, she shares that people tend to forget that finding a mate isn’t as simple as believing in God and creating an online dating profile.

Dalfonzo highlights the plight of the often overlooked singles in the church, but she also points out positive ways the church has viewed singles. She goes further to suggest ways to deepen their involvement in the church, thus keeping them strong in their faith as they wait for a mate and as they serve in the church. As she points out, a single person can balance out perspectives and have a lot to offer the church in ministry.

I enjoyed this book, and it gave me hope as a single person seeking deeper involvement and community in church. I could see this benefitting anyone in the church as it shares an understanding of the experience of the single person and how the singles and married folks can contribute to a community incorporating singles.

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Gaining Independence and Staying In Dependence on God

05 Wednesday Jul 2017

Posted by Kayla Stierwalt in Journal, Uncategorized

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Christian living, community, friends, God, growth, health, help, independence, Independence Day, relationships, responsibility

Yesterday we celebrated Independence Day. Since my situation encountered another change recently, I found myself contemplating my own independence. Specifically, I considered how much independence fits a healthy lifestyle. I saw a blurb from a Christian resource pointing readers to remain in dependence on God. That reminder got me thinking about leaning on God, my family, friends and community.

I tend to isolate myself. That stems from a way I’ve coped with difficulties that started in childhood, and I’ve had to work on rerouting that habit. While good results arise from me wanting to take care of myself and my physical needs, I can take care of my spiritual and mental needs only to a point. Well, even my physical needs require me to seek help. I just have a hard time asking for help. Yet it’s there. I do not need to isolate myself; that only tends to worsen the situation. Somehow I forget I truly do have a team of people who care about me and whose relationships have proven fruitful for me (and them). God created us to depend on Him as well as live in community.

As I contemplate my next step for my career and my focus on my physical, mental and spiritual health, I seek to regain more of my independence again in terms of taking care of myself. Yet I also want to remind myself that part of that responsibility involves asking for help and seeking resources. Wherever I end up, I can lean on God and my community near and far.

Homecoming: Coming Home to a New City

15 Saturday Oct 2016

Posted by Kayla Stierwalt in Journal, Uncategorized

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book club, books, church, community, ESL, fall, friends, home, homecoming, Houston, language, Missouri, October, school, Texas, welcome, welcoming, writing

Most high schools and universities celebrate Homecoming during October, while wearing formal attire at some places (and my dream recreations of it). I’ve never attended a homecoming event as an alumni, but I’ve never been far from my old schools in Missouri either. This year I’ve moved far away and miss the cities of my youth. My high school friends have even invited me to join them for our group’s latest game night get together. Unfortunately I won’t attend this round, but I know I’ll make my way back there soon. For now I’m building a new home.

Feeling like I’ve got a foundation for my new home has taken a while. I temporarily live with my dad after having an apartment to myself for six years, and I live 13 hours away by car from my closest friends (with the exception of my close cousin who has continuously welcomed me here). Mostly, I’ve learned I have to get out there myself to get plugged into places and communities where I can find activities and friends. Unfortunately it takes a while at a time when I could really use a friend, but the efforts start to pay off.

After visiting several churches, I’ve found one I’ve enjoyed enough to give a long term  try. I have found one more that I want to visit as well, and I sense that I’m close to deciding my new church home. That makes me feel like I can find a niche to use my gifts. That may mean trying a group or two again, yet I’m closer already. A lot of the churches here have good ESL programs since Houston has such a diverse population when it comes to first languages. Most places have devotions or handouts as well that give me potential venues for writing.

To make myself reach out a little more and have a bit of a long term goal and involvement, I’ve started a book club. So far it’s a small group since I don’t know many people, but they’re a part of my new home. I can share my love for books outside the shelves within my own walls. I’m getting out there, I’m getting involved, I’m building a home.

Then I can go back to my other for a homecoming event and have a new experience for coming home.

Lent Reflection: Meetings

18 Thursday Feb 2016

Posted by Kayla Stierwalt in Essay, Journal, Uncategorized

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Celebrate Recovery, Christian, Christian living, Christianity, church, community, depression, fasting, focus, friends, God, grace, growth, healing, hope, Jesus, Lent, light, meetings, perspective, recovery, scripture, stability, structure

Lent started just over a week ago, and today I start a new project of sorts to give me a better focus on God during this special time (yes, it’s okay to start late). Rather than fast from a particular food or activity during this season, I typically carve out some extra time to focus on God by using my spiritual gift of encouragement. This project I’ve mentioned involves taking that in a different direction. I plan to carve out time a couple times each week to reflect on my healing, how God has fulfilled it. For me, that is best done through writing or journaling (which I already do on a daily basis in the interest of maintaining my overall health).

The past couple weeks, I’ve contemplated the importance of regular meetings. “Meeting” can allude to an array of subjects to discuss at said gatherings. While I have noticed that having regular meeting times provides my life more structure and meaning, I have also contemplated the effect of regular meeting times for worship and community with God’s family.

In college, I found it easier to manage my symptoms of depression, anxiety and PTSD.  I created a routine and stuck to it, successfully accomplishing my goals to regularly exercise, pray, have mealtimes with friends, maintain my leadership position at Campus Christian Fellowship, attend worship services throughout the week and complete my school work and projects. I felt good about these tasks and my activities; I felt connected and enriched. I could see my growth. I have only recently noticed the pattern of meeting in the context of worship and spiritual growth having a significant role in keeping my focus and perspective on track. I was regularly reminded of Scripture and how God’s love fulfills it on a daily basis. I also met with a counselor and mentor to help me apply that to my life to keep my focus on the light rather than the darkness that tends to hover around me. All those meetings took up a considerable amount of time, but they made it possible for me to continue moving forward, and, most importantly, in the light.

The transition from college to the so-called “real world” can prove rough for everyone. Fortunately, I know I am not alone. Several friends have shared my struggle in finding a meaningful job or selecting the direction they want to take their careers. Transition of any sort has its difficulties. I just can’t help but see the importance and benefit of transitioning into more meetings to maintain the structure and stability of corporate worship and community. Even someone at a recent support group meeting mentioned how attending three different support groups every week for a while made it possible for her to step away from her destructive path; she even emphasized that continuing to attend meetings (this is more than fifteen years later) keeps her on that track. Sadly, as this same person shared, she’s been around long enough to see people get sober from drugs for years and then go back once they stop attending meetings. We all need constant meetings to keep our focus and accountability in perspective.

That brings me to a new goal. The past several weeks, I have adjusted my schedule to make it easier for me to regularly attend the church service where I feel most comfortable and the Celebrate Recovery program I feel most at home. Even a couple weeks of attending both meetings gave me a better structure and a sense of stability to keep me on track to progress my healing. I know I will add more meetings, but that gives me a good start. I can also rest assured that both those meetings maintain a focus on God’s grace and love.

 

Lent is a time to fast and focus. God can use focus and perspective through meetings to keep us on track. What meeting can you commit to attending, even just during Lent to give your time to improve your relationship with God and your life?

 

Moving from Common Living to Dream Fulfilling

27 Monday Apr 2015

Posted by Kayla Stierwalt in Journal, Photography

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book, Christian, Christian living, Christianity, church, common, community, dreams, encouragement, family, friends, fulfillment, gifts, goals, healing, heart, hurt, Max Lucado, nature, personal growth, Photo, photography, reading, role, spiritual gifts, support, tree, writer, writing

  

            I just have finished reading a chapter in Max Lucado’s book The Cure for the Common Life: Living in Your Sweet Spot about joining God’s family of friends through church community. He emphasizes the importance of each member having a specific role to play, using his gifts, and how we come together as one body to support each other.

            The church as a hospital for hurt people is a common image used for Christians. This chapter demonstrates how the community helps its members by providing physical and emotional needs during difficult times. As I’ve mentioned previously, I’m taking a course on healing from past wounds at a nearby church. We have spent the last couple weeks sharing our backgrounds and starting a healing process that begins with forgiving people who have hurt us and relinquishing lies, etc. I have immediately seen a significant difference in how I feel since I’ve had my turn in the “holy seat” on Monday evening. Maybe the true beginning really is as simple as acknowledging that certain people have hurt me and forgiving them as well as acknowledging and renouncing lies or curses I have believed as a result of those situations. Nothing has changed the past, but I have started to loosen its negative grip on me as I live in a healthier present.

            Feeling better has made me feel more equipped to start tackling some of my goals again, big and small. I have shared this readiness and some of the dreams on my heart with my group, and I have received enthusiasm and encouragement. Immediately, one friend wanted to introduce me to a writer at the church who currently seeks young authors. Then the group as a whole is happy to see me healing and reaching out to fulfill God’s calling for me.

            That’s exactly what the church family of friends does for each other. These wonderful women have stood beside me as I have started healing and as I shared my scars. I never once felt judged, rather felt lifted up and seen in a positive light for who I am rather than things I have done or that have been done to me. They are helping me get plugged into the church, eager to see me use my gifts. Each week, I am reminded that there is no such thing as coincidence and that God placed me in this group for a purpose.

            As Max Lucado points out, the church is a family of friends. It can come together to serve each other through sharing burdens as well as connecting people for community and getting people plugged into the right place to use their gifts. I am not a member of a church in my area yet, but I am encouraged to keep getting involved to receive further healing from the church as a hospital as well as use my gifts to lift people higher and bring them closer together in fellowship.

Knitting My Community To Surround Myself With Goodness

07 Wednesday Jan 2015

Posted by Kayla Stierwalt in Journal

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alone, basics, community, company, coping, cure, demons, depressed, depression, foundation, friends, goals, goodness, misery, purpose, support, surroundings, writing

Misery loves its company, and those demons in the back of my head try so hard to accompany me in my depression. The more time I spend alone, the stronger their presence. I need moments to myself to recharge, but my current situation calls for a rearrangement of such occasions. I have to take extra effort to surround myself with my supportive friends and to sort through my closet of thoughts (in public places). Strangers and close friends alike form my support group. All I need to do is knit them together to keep me wrapped in goodness.

Right now, I’m sipping coffee at the Dunkin Donuts across the bridge from my apartment. I have taken advantage of people who care about me and the comfort of strangers’ presence this evening. A friend from church met me for coffee to discuss our mutual struggle and to encourage me to keep utilizing my positive coping skills, particularly writing and exercising. I called my brother while I ate dinner, and he gave me that final push I needed to face the cold weather to get here. Now I sit under the florescent lights and predominantly orange walls turning my words into action. The radio plays peppy Top 40 music while the workers take care of their closing routine behind the counter. Those simple sounds remind me I am not alone.

All I’ve needed to do is take advantage of these people and places readily available to me. My church friend, brother, and numerous close friends have reminded me that I can call on them any time. My friends even put together two birthday dinners in honor of my birthday last weekend, because they love me and walk alongside me. I simply need to coax myself into making those contacts when I’m down (and in general) to keep me in community. Then I can take a short trip down the road to meet my thoughts in a public place where I can discuss them on paper. Now I really know I won’t be alone.

These people and places alone don’t “cure” my depression, but they give me a starting point. It takes constant effort to progress, and I still aim for a lot of goal fulfillment in the near future. Taking care of my foundation and basics will make it possible to tackle the rest. I know I am meant to live in community, meaning with other people and not the depressing demons who threaten to haunt me. I am a little more needy than usual right now, but I trust that my interactions and writing still serve purpose. In misery’s company, we still find goodness in community.

Middle Of The Moment

05 Saturday Apr 2014

Posted by Kayla Stierwalt in Journal

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city life, community, courage, friends, goals, home, life, Middle Of The Map, music, opportunity, weekend

I should be listening to live music at Middle Of The Map festival right now. I could bask in the wonder that accompanies a concert, spend quality time with a friend who loves the experience as much as I do, and take advantage of the music scene and writing inspiration offered by this city life. Yet here I sit at home. Alone (unless the dog counts).

Capturing the opportunities here rests solely in me. The designated people have already arranged and agreed to this festival. I am missing the music as I write. I have chosen this city as my new home for the potential it holds for the goals I have. Easing into it makes sense considering how long it has taken me to simply peek from my shell and how I have given myself considerable more change and adjustment. No excuse remains to keep me from joining the communities here though.

It’s time I find the times and places bands play, church groups meet, friends hang out, and more so I can build my home here. Those aspects accompany the physical act of maintaining my personal dwelling. At those events, I get to capture the memories that line my walls. I keep myself surrounded by what has significance to me.

Now I just have to get out there and keep building and maintaining my home, both literally and figuratively. The time has come. Nothing should hold me back.

 

From what are you hiding right now? What moments and opportunities can you seize from the world around you?

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You can't make advances if you don't take chances. These posts share my perspectives of my journey as I step forward, walking in the Light.

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