Children without toys present
No money needed
childhood, children, church, class, comfort, connected, connection, counseling, depression, despair, doubt, emotional hurt, environment, family, forgiveness, fulfilled, fulfilling, hope, hopeful, hopelessness, innocence, life, loss of innocence, opportunity, pain, protection, safe, shame, therapy, wounds
Some of this involves forgiveness, including myself as well as family members and people in my past. The main root of these layers comes from some painful childhood experiences as well as generally chaotic and sometimes unsafe environments in the past. Those events extended into loss of innocence and shame of having been harmed (and from not sharing) and thoughts of how life could have been or could be different “if only…”. My first main step is opening the door where I have locked away all the pain so I can finally let some of it go and become free. Then as I uncover specific details and wounds, I can break their hold of me.
Ultimately, I will reach a point where I don’t believe the doubting voices in my head and will feel like I can confidently pursue my goals and feel worthy of myself, my efforts, my contributions to the world. I can also break the unconscious vows I made to myself in attempts of protecting myself from further pain. I have vowed not to make children experience what I did as a child, thus making it impossible for me to know if I even want children. Once I let that go, I can see that I can still have a fulfilling family and create a safe and happy home environment (the latter of which I have accomplished as I made my own home in college but have later realized it also includes self imposed isolation as a family of one). In turn, allowing myself to have what I block in the interest of protection gives me an opportunity to lead a more fulfilling and connected life, built up by being plugged in.
Hopelessness may lead to more despair and self-pity, even self-hatred. Yet I have hope that as I unwrap those layers and leave them somewhere that’s not a shadowy party of my heart (as seemingly comforting as they can trick my mind into feeling with their familiarity), I can wrap myself in more positive life experiences and be better equipped to weather the difficult ones.
It’s time for the first actual Weird Wednesday post. Every Wednesday gives the opportunity to find humor in seemingly uncomfortable situations. Hindsight makes it easier to laugh at these people’s antics.
Before I start regaling you with the humorous versions of the arguably dirty men who shop at Home Depot, let me share one of the stories about the cute little boys who accompany their fathers to the store. They usually balance out the uneasiness from other encounters, leaving a warm, fuzzy feeling instead.
A couple weeks ago a boy around three or four checked out at the self-checkout with his dad. He sat in the driver’s seat of the race cart made for children his size. As they first approached the register, he reached under his seat to grab some of the items as his dad got the ones in the main part of the cart. Yet after putting a couple on the register he stopped, despite there being more items at his feet. He seemed to notice me, so I asked him if he quit on his dad after I inquired about their shopping experience.
His dad instructed him to tell me that they were going to steal those items. After recognizing the humor, the boy emphatically told me what his dad said. I asked him if he had noticed himself on the TV monitor since kids usually fancy seeing themselves on screen. We looked up, and I joked that we could take his picture.
The boy, dad, and I went along with the mug shot idea and added a quick line about putting the boy’s picture on the wall in the store. He told me we could put a picture of him up if he could have a picture of me. Of course by this time he was a little more shy. Maybe he recognized his forwardness.
These could be early signs of a creeper. Or they could just be an adorable boy flirting with a woman at a store. Either way, he brightened my day with his cute antics. It made me smile for a while afterward rather than making me want to cringe. I’d let him have a picture of me.