Children choosing home
Isolated deep inside
Family lost outside
childhood, children, church, class, comfort, connected, connection, counseling, depression, despair, doubt, emotional hurt, environment, family, forgiveness, fulfilled, fulfilling, hope, hopeful, hopelessness, innocence, life, loss of innocence, opportunity, pain, protection, safe, shame, therapy, wounds
Some of this involves forgiveness, including myself as well as family members and people in my past. The main root of these layers comes from some painful childhood experiences as well as generally chaotic and sometimes unsafe environments in the past. Those events extended into loss of innocence and shame of having been harmed (and from not sharing) and thoughts of how life could have been or could be different “if only…”. My first main step is opening the door where I have locked away all the pain so I can finally let some of it go and become free. Then as I uncover specific details and wounds, I can break their hold of me.
Ultimately, I will reach a point where I don’t believe the doubting voices in my head and will feel like I can confidently pursue my goals and feel worthy of myself, my efforts, my contributions to the world. I can also break the unconscious vows I made to myself in attempts of protecting myself from further pain. I have vowed not to make children experience what I did as a child, thus making it impossible for me to know if I even want children. Once I let that go, I can see that I can still have a fulfilling family and create a safe and happy home environment (the latter of which I have accomplished as I made my own home in college but have later realized it also includes self imposed isolation as a family of one). In turn, allowing myself to have what I block in the interest of protection gives me an opportunity to lead a more fulfilling and connected life, built up by being plugged in.
Hopelessness may lead to more despair and self-pity, even self-hatred. Yet I have hope that as I unwrap those layers and leave them somewhere that’s not a shadowy party of my heart (as seemingly comforting as they can trick my mind into feeling with their familiarity), I can wrap myself in more positive life experiences and be better equipped to weather the difficult ones.
Today I braided my hair; I figured it was about time I learn how to pull my hair in a decent braid. Hairstyles never really came easy to me. Yet I hadn’t ever put much effort into developing any skill. In middle school, my best friend and I got ready for dances together, and she curled or flipped out my hair. I maintained a pretty plain hairstyle, relying on the cut and simple maintenance to provide an adequate look. During my first summer after college, I finally felt like I successfully curled my hair. It still hasn’t turned out exactly with the curls I desired, but I learned how to change the style to an extent. Today I decided I would progress my braiding skills so I could have another way to pull my hair back besides a ponytail. It just takes a decision, practice, and evaluation.
No one started out knowing how to braid hair; no one began a career with all the necessary skills, let alone at the desired level. Some aspects had to be learned during the course of action. Girls learned how to braid their hair by braiding their dolls’ hair, their friends’ hair, their own hair. The first attempts may have included stray hairs, loose braids, unproportioned sections. Yet each attempt provided practice that led to better looking braids, even if some never progressed much beyond what looked similar to others’ early attempts.
I didn’t braid my dolls’ or friends’ hair much as a kid. That led to the current level of inexperience. Yet I began concentrated efforts to change that, at least in terms of braiding. Hair never was my forte and probably never will be. Yet I can learn how to attain a couple basic looks if I desire. I just have to practice. The basic procedure for creating a braid has stayed with me. My hair hasn’t been braided in years, but I’m changing that. Now that I have long hair again, I desire to wear more styles.
The same idea applies to other skills, some of which may be better suited for me. I have other talents, ones I’ve already advanced and others I haven’t developed much yet, I’d like to bolster. I just have to decide my goal, take action, evaluate my efforts. This includes making tangible writing goals like a regular blogging schedule and tasks to ultimately complete my novel and publish articles and includes determining my career aspirations and mapping the steps to attain them. I noticed with the braids that it’s easier to make something happen when you start with a small, basic step. All I had to do was braid my hair this morning. I ended up with some loose strands on one side; I lovingly named it my messy braid. I gained the knowledge to start the braid a little higher next time. I took action, practiced, and evaluated. I can adjust my next attempt. I can braid my hair.