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Kayla's Only Heart

~ Always learning. Always progressing.

Kayla's Only Heart

Category Archives: Journal

Pathways to Purpose

15 Wednesday Aug 2018

Posted by KaylasOnlyHeart in Journal, Uncategorized

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church, confidence, doubt, education, healing, hope, life, progress, purpose, school, volunteer

I do not stand where I would like in my life right now. My job does not progress my career path, my city leaves a lot desired, and I hold back on pursuing most my goals due to my own self doubt. Yet I can take small steps to guide me back to my purposeful path.

These days I spend a lot of my free time volunteer tutoring at a couple places in town. Those classroom hours boost my confidence that I do belong in such a setting and that I do in fact help others. It also gives me more experience in my field. Not having a job there at the moment need not stop me from getting that face time with students.

Neither this town nor this state fulfill what I imagine for where I would live long term. However, it has surprisingly offered places that fulfill some of my needs. Not only have I found several classrooms to assist, I have found ministries to aid in my own life. A local church offers free counseling, a service that helps me stay on track healing without putting me further in debt, and that same church has started a support group where I’ll meet other women in similar situations as me for the first time. Hope exists everywhere, and I can heal in this town as I plan and conquer my next step.

I have a long way to go in conquering my own self sabotage and doubt. This involves undoing walls I have put up nearly my whole life to keep others and myself out. Clearly it will take a long time to undo and rebuild. Yet it can happen. I can make the most of my situation, continue lifelong healing and progress as I grow.

My situation right now may not exist as I want or as it should. Yet each opportunity I have can get me there slowly. I must keep my eyes open for those chances and make the most of them. The majority of a situation may not fulfill needs or progress a path, but what we do with the parts within our control can make a difference in steering and following the right path.

Wonder Book Review: Kinder Than Necessary

22 Thursday Mar 2018

Posted by KaylasOnlyHeart in books, Journal, Uncategorized

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book club, book review, bookish, books, differences, different, health, kindness, Knopf, library, Warren County Public Library, wonder

I recently have read and fallen into awe over R.J. Palacio’s Wonder for the KIRB Appeal Book Club at Warren County Public Library. This story follows an inspiring young boy named Auggie Pullman who suffers from a myriad of health issues resulting in severe facial deformities as he ventures into public school the first time as he enters fifth grade. Though much younger than me, Auggie reminds readers of all ages of the importance of being kinder than necessary. He faces his obstacles, much like anyone faces personal issues, as he hides them, thus blocking his connection to others and his way to see how to overcome his struggles, understands his differences and how he may have to take care of himself differently than other people do, learns not to let mean people ruin his otherwise good days, and adjusts his perspective on people’s reactions to his visible struggles and differences all the while demonstrating the power of kindness.

Toward the beginning of the story, Auggie shares how he lets his hair fall into his face because “it helps me block out the things I don’t want to see” (21). He even shares that he had the forethought to grow it out so he could do that; he wanted to hide his face and his struggle with his health issues. This makes sense; no one likes to have people stare at them. I too know what it feels like; I simply wear gloves at work and catch people glancing at them in contemplation of why I would wear them. Most of them end up asking questions about them, rarely seeming to understand I do it to protect my skin and health (not wearing them results in numerous bleeding cracks, which sometimes lead to bubbly staph infections…all of which hurt). It feels easier to hide the problem and try to ignore it. Yet, it can’t really go away. Auggie hiding his face may have kept people from quickly noticing his difference, but it also kept him from engaging in the world around him. With the hair over his eyes, he not only couldn’t see people’s silly stares, he couldn’t see his own world or goals. As he discovers, people stare either way. I have received as many questions about my cracked hands before I wore gloves as I have while wearing the gloves; I have decided I’d rather get asked about the gloves and not have the infections. This allows me to get through my days more successfully. Auggie does the same thing by putting his best face forward and going to his school every day rather than going back to homeschooling and not having a school community or group of friends.

By showing up to school and taking care of himself, Auggie demonstrates his understanding that he is a little different than most people. His cleft palate and other issues make it harder for him to eat. Therefore, he must chew his food with his front teeth rather than in the back of his mouth like most people. Some people may react to this since it normally might get perceived as rude or might get crumbs on the table. However, not eating this way could result in him choking. Auggie understands that he must take care of his choking risk with greater care than the average person. Again, I sympathize with my skin issues. I must protect mine more than the average person. I might get some silly stares and questions for my unusual use of gloves, but not wearing them increases my risk of illness and infection. So I must understand that I might have to care for myself a little differently or with more effort.

In his higher level of understanding from being different from the other kids, Auggie achieves a level of perspective and peace I have yet to perfect. He realizes most people don’t mean to be rude or mean when they point at him because of the difference they see in him. He notes that they don’t laugh when they point and reflects that if a Wookie went to his school he may do the same thing out of curiosity (62). This bit of wisdom seems to keep him from letting those people bother him. He takes his difference in stride. He may look odd and may have to care for himself in ways others don’t expect or find odd, but he knows what he has to do and rolls with it.

Auggie’s ability to roll with the punches doesn’t come without its rough days though. He almost quits school after learning about some kids making fun of him behind his back. He also suffers physical harm at the hands of bullies from another school, almost taking away his great joy from the rest of that weekend’s activities with his friends. Auggie’s sweet, supportive mom reminds him, “No, sweetie, don’t let them do that to you. You were there for more than forty-eight hours, and that awful part lasted one hour. Don’t let them take that away from you, okay?” (277). The comments and stares I get come as part of the beauty of working retail. I admit I have let some of the ignorant and mean comments stew in my mind longer than they should. I have worked to hold a perspective closer to that of Auggie’s. Usually for each time someone says something ignorant, I can find someone who authentically thanks me for my help or kindness. I also remind myself that most these people are fortunate enough to not be able to relate to my health issues and therefore don’t understand the depth or complexity of them.

The reality exists that we all face some sort of difficulty on some sort of regular basis. Some of these struggles others can see, while others people can’t. As Wonder shows, everyone gets bullied to some extent, whether by intentional meanness or the ignorant variety, at some point. That demonstrates the importance of this story’s lesson: to show a little more kindness than is necessary. Auggie’s teacher Mr. Tushman quotes the James Barrie story The Little White Bird to emphasize this idea’s origin. Then he shares an example of Joseph in the movie Under the Eye of the Clock where someone does a small act of kindness for Joseph and how that one small gesture tremendously impacts Joseph. Mr. Tushman quotes, “‘It was at moments such as these that Joseph recognized the face of God in human form. It glimmered in their kindness to him, it glowed in their keenness, it hinted in their caring, indeed it caressed in their gaze'” (300). Auggie’s perspective on others’ treatment of him and his reactions to others demonstrate the difference kindness can make on people.

We all face difficulties, and we all have aspects of ourselves and our experiences that make us different from others. Like Auggie, we can grow our perspectives on them so we don’t let those differences hinder our ability to engage with our lives and to take care of ourselves. Books like this help us remember that we all face challenges and we can all show kindness to each other. Ignorant or mean remarks don’t have to ruin our otherwise good days, and a little extra kindness truly can make someone’s day or life a little brighter. Let’s all be a little kinder than necessary.

 

***Each year, members of KIRB Appeal collect spare change in jars to donate to a charity at the end of the year. Since we have read this book first this year, we are donating to a charity that helps kids with cleft palates.

Simple Joys on a Simple Fall Sunday

29 Sunday Oct 2017

Posted by KaylasOnlyHeart in Journal, Uncategorized

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bible study, Christian, Christian living, Chrystal Evans Hurst, fall, flowers, joy, online bible study, reflection, She's Still There, thankful

I’ve been going through She’s Still There by Chrystal Evans Hurst as part of an online bible study. Each time I sit down with that book, I realize I like her and her  insight even more (today I also listened to her talk about cultivating, curating and creating content for writing). As part of my devotion time today, I reflected on some questions at the end of chapter 12. The first question got the thoughts stirring about simple joys. Sunday feels like a great day to contemplate the little details that my senses can enjoy on this day of rest as well as every other day.
First I made a list of things that I can engage with my senses that make me smile. Considering just today, I came up with:
crisp, cool air: I missed fall last year since I was in Houston (yes, Houstonians, it truly does exist outside the magazines and movies), and I daydreamed about sweaters by late spring, which probably didn’t help me feel any cooler in that hellish Houston heat. This year, I bask in the cool air again and feel especially thankful for it. Especially this weekend as the cold has finally set in, it feels good to be cold again.
colorful leaves on the trees: This falls into the category I started above. Again, I didn’t witness fall last year, and that included the beauty of the trees changing colors. They truly do hold a beauty all their own, and the cool air only adds to the wonder of fall.
the yellow mums sitting on my desk on a plate with sea shells I gathered with my best friend Katrina in Galveston during her visit: Yellow is a joyful color, and flowers always add beauty to a room. The shells add another positive aspect with their memory association; they even come from a memory of a sunny day (probably the only time I enjoyed being outside in Texas…the ocean air made a tremendous difference).
music on my iPod: “Believe” by Hanson was playing as I made my list. My iPod contains a lot of music, and they reflect a lot of memories and emotions. It helps to hear expressions of feelings to which I can relate. Oftentimes, music gives words to what’s on my mind, and it keeps me from going too deeply into my head. It also reminds me that I’m not alone in my experiences.
candy corn pumpkins: My severe allergies have made it difficult for me to find my favorite Halloween candy for years. Persistence pays off though because after checking labels for years knowing each time I would most likely find the bags were possibly contaminated from my allergens in the factories, I finally found some safe candy corn pumpkins! Let’s just say I bought a few bags. Tonight I can enjoy them during my Sunday Ritual. After I paint my nails I can do Halloween weekend my style and watch Stranger Things while I eat pumpkins.
aromatherapy pillow mist on my pillow: I rested my eyes earlier and enjoyed the mist on my pillow. I thought aromatherapy from essential oils sounded hoaky when I first heard about it, but I reconsidered after I saw that Mayo Clinic agreed it could possibly help (any small improvement in mood is worthwhile). Last year I received a diffuser and essential oils and started using it. I enjoyed the different scents and how they seem to relax or lift my mind a little. This afternoon I rested as I inhaled the scent of eucalyptus and tea.
I agree with Chrystal Evans Hurst that simple joys matter. I’m glad that I took the time to fill in my blessings journal throughout the day today and that I took the time to do her reflection questions. It continued to serve as a starting point on staying positive and being open to God’s involvement and guidance in my life.

“For the LORD your God is living among you. He is a mighty savior. He will take delight in you with gladness. With his love, he will calm all your fears. He will rejoice over you with joyful songs.” Zephaniah 3:17

Gaining Independence and Staying In Dependence on God

05 Wednesday Jul 2017

Posted by KaylasOnlyHeart in Journal, Uncategorized

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Christian living, community, friends, God, growth, health, help, independence, Independence Day, relationships, responsibility

Yesterday we celebrated Independence Day. Since my situation encountered another change recently, I found myself contemplating my own independence. Specifically, I considered how much independence fits a healthy lifestyle. I saw a blurb from a Christian resource pointing readers to remain in dependence on God. That reminder got me thinking about leaning on God, my family, friends and community.

I tend to isolate myself. That stems from a way I’ve coped with difficulties that started in childhood, and I’ve had to work on rerouting that habit. While good results arise from me wanting to take care of myself and my physical needs, I can take care of my spiritual and mental needs only to a point. Well, even my physical needs require me to seek help. I just have a hard time asking for help. Yet it’s there. I do not need to isolate myself; that only tends to worsen the situation. Somehow I forget I truly do have a team of people who care about me and whose relationships have proven fruitful for me (and them). God created us to depend on Him as well as live in community.

As I contemplate my next step for my career and my focus on my physical, mental and spiritual health, I seek to regain more of my independence again in terms of taking care of myself. Yet I also want to remind myself that part of that responsibility involves asking for help and seeking resources. Wherever I end up, I can lean on God and my community near and far.

2016 Reads

08 Sunday Jan 2017

Posted by KaylasOnlyHeart in books, Journal, Uncategorized

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2016, book club, books, Charlaine Harris, comics, Eleanor & Park, Jean Sasson, Nicholas Sparks, Rainbow Rowell, read, reading, Richard Paul Evans, Sarah Dessen, Supergirl

As we finish the first week of the new year, I would like to reflect on my last year’s reading. I read more than I have in years, and I noticed it helped me feel better than I have. Some highly regarded intellectuals like John Maxwell, as well as other sources, note the importance of regular reading and how a routine of even fifteen minutes a day can lead to finishing numerous books in a year. Last year I learned a lot as I kept my mind cycling through books rather than my ruminative thoughts. Here is a list the list of 61 works I read last year:

A * denotes a book read for a book club or list.

*Noah’s Compass – Anne Tyler

The Longest Ride – Nicholas Sparks

The Girls of Mischief Bay – Susan Mallery

*The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society – Mary Ann Shaffer and Annie Barrows

*The Language of Flowers – Vanessa Diffenbaugh

*The Dressmaker – Kate Alcott

*Defending Jacob – William Landy

Captivating – John and Stasi Eldredge

Princess – Jean Sasson

*Lock and Key – Sarah Dessen

*Unbroken – Laura Hillenbrand

Supergirl – Michael Green

*The Little Paris Bookshop – Nina George

Supergirl Vol. 1: The Girl of Steel – Jeph Loeb

The Wasted Vigil – Nadeem Aslam

I Kissed Dating Goodbye – Joshua Harris

What the Dog Saw – Malcolm Gladwell

The Depression Cure – Stephen S. Ilardi

This Is Where I Leave You – Jonathan Tropper

*American Born Chinese – Gene Luen Yang

*Everything Everything – Nicola Yoon

*Mockingjay – Suzanne Collins

*I Am Princess X – Cherrie Priest

Tuck Everlasting – Natalie Babbit

*Harry Potter and the Cursed Child – J.K. Rowling

The Rosie Project – Graeme Simsion

A Mad, Wicked Folly – Sharon Biggs Waller

The Leaving of Things – Jay Antani

Batman: The Killing Joke – Alan Moore

Waiting for You – Susane Colasanti

The Summer of Chasing Mermaids – Sarah Ockler

Gifts Differing – Isbel Briggs Myers

*Dead Until Dark – Charlaine Harris

*Carry On – Rainbow Rowell

Emmy & Oliver – Robin Benway

Eleanor & Park – Rainbow Rowell

*The Fault in Our Stars – John Green

*Dept. of Speculation – Jenny Offill

Outlander – Diana Gabaldon

*Club Dead – Charlaine Harris

A Christmas Carol – Charles Dickens

See Me – Nicholas Sparks

The Mistletoe Promise – Richard Paul Evans

Starry Night – Debbie Macomber

*Scoop – Evelyn Waugh

The Christmas Box – Richard Paul Evans

Timepiece – Richard Paul Evans

The Death of Superman – Dan Jurgens

 

Books I reread:

If I Stay – Gayle Forman

Much Ado About Nothing – William Shakespeare

The Choice – Nicholas Sparks

The Picture of Dorian Gray – Oscar Wilde

Peter Pan – J.M. Barrie

The Perks of Being a Wallflower – Stephen Chbosky

Winnie the Pooh – A.A. Milne

The House at Pooh Corner – A.A. Milne

 

I choose Eleanor & Park as my top read last year. It completely pulled me into the story and relationship between the characters as I found myself thinking about them between readings. I found myself exclaiming I wanted to cry when I finished; the reality and emotion in that book felt so tragically authentic. This book may become a routine read for Valentine’s Day or some occasion so I can enjoy it on some regular basis. I highly recommend it. Sadly, I saw it several times before deciding to give it a try. I picked it off the bookshelf at stores so many times thinking it caught my interest but not feeling completely compelled. Now I’m gifting it to friends who feel the same way because I want them to experience its greatness as well.

Last year I also read my first few comic books. I still hold no expertise when it comes to the comic world, but I have learned that not all comics hold equal appeal. The same character has stories by numerous authors. While the storyline may follow similarly in all of them, some simply aren’t as good. I suggest using some sort of research, whether Goodreads or other readers, to avoid reading the ho-hum comics.

Since Christmas and my birthday have just passed, I’ve got a nice stack of books ready to get me through the first part of the year. I’m excited to keep up the heavy reading (to keep my heavy spirits up)!

 

Homecoming: Coming Home to a New City

15 Saturday Oct 2016

Posted by KaylasOnlyHeart in Journal, Uncategorized

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book club, books, church, community, ESL, fall, friends, home, homecoming, Houston, language, Missouri, October, school, Texas, welcome, welcoming, writing

Most high schools and universities celebrate Homecoming during October, while wearing formal attire at some places (and my dream recreations of it). I’ve never attended a homecoming event as an alumni, but I’ve never been far from my old schools in Missouri either. This year I’ve moved far away and miss the cities of my youth. My high school friends have even invited me to join them for our group’s latest game night get together. Unfortunately I won’t attend this round, but I know I’ll make my way back there soon. For now I’m building a new home.

Feeling like I’ve got a foundation for my new home has taken a while. I temporarily live with my dad after having an apartment to myself for six years, and I live 13 hours away by car from my closest friends (with the exception of my close cousin who has continuously welcomed me here). Mostly, I’ve learned I have to get out there myself to get plugged into places and communities where I can find activities and friends. Unfortunately it takes a while at a time when I could really use a friend, but the efforts start to pay off.

After visiting several churches, I’ve found one I’ve enjoyed enough to give a long term  try. I have found one more that I want to visit as well, and I sense that I’m close to deciding my new church home. That makes me feel like I can find a niche to use my gifts. That may mean trying a group or two again, yet I’m closer already. A lot of the churches here have good ESL programs since Houston has such a diverse population when it comes to first languages. Most places have devotions or handouts as well that give me potential venues for writing.

To make myself reach out a little more and have a bit of a long term goal and involvement, I’ve started a book club. So far it’s a small group since I don’t know many people, but they’re a part of my new home. I can share my love for books outside the shelves within my own walls. I’m getting out there, I’m getting involved, I’m building a home.

Then I can go back to my other for a homecoming event and have a new experience for coming home.

14 Friday Oct 2016

Posted by KaylasOnlyHeart in Journal, Uncategorized

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A.A. Milne, England, ideas, inspiration, NaNoWriMo, New York City, Pooh Bear, stories, Winnie The Pooh, writing

As of today, it’s been 90 years since Winnie the Pooh first hit the shelves. It’s already been 18 years since I saw the bear that inspired it all in New York City and 8 since I walked Pooh Sticks Bridge in England. I can’t determine how many years those stories have inspired me to write. Most of my first stories revolved around Pooh Bear, including one where he met the orca Willy. The stories and drawings still make me smile and still remind me of my writing passion.

I haven’t written as much as I’d like lately (aside from my nearly daily journaling), and I want to push back my reservations. Yet a lot of stories and ideas continue to stir in my mind. Some have made it to written form in notes, yet I continue to fear rejection of them. I need to remember the personalities and stories I see in the bears and people in my own life have value and can inspire someone else the way Pooh and A.A. Milne have inspired me. Milne looked at a stuffed animal and saw a personality and a story. While that may sound silly, he created a beloved character that has stood the test of time. Other people may not understand the process, but they just may enjoy the final product. Here’s to pushing forward to a final product!

 

…NaNoWriMo starts in just over two weeks and provides some encouragement to write regularly. And a lot. I’d like to push myself harder toward cranking out a whole story this time even if just to practice and let some ideas flow.

False Identity

01 Saturday Oct 2016

Posted by KaylasOnlyHeart in Journal, Uncategorized

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accepted, association, blessed, burden, Christian, Christian living, Christianity, confess, confession, DBT, Dialectical Behavior Therapy, emotion, God, identity, Isaiah 1:18, Jesus, lies, negativity, past, relationship, sin, therapy, white as snow

Through Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), I have learned the importance of not identifying myself with an emotion. Just because I am sad doesn’t mean I’m a sad person. It may sound strange, but I can take on extra weight by taking on these emotions and their associations. Tonight I have realized the same concept applies to not identifying with sin in my life.

It becomes easy to turn my sin into a noun that describes myself. I’ve told a lie in the past; liar must suit me as a title. The same can go for numerous other negative descriptions. Yet only the enemy wants me to believe that; taking on the lie leads me to avoid God. It makes me carry the weight of the sin and take on the burden of negative titles. God doesn’t want that for me, and it is not how He sees me. If I confess to Him rather than avoid Him and insist upon carrying my own burden, He will take it all away. As He reminds me in Isaiah 1:18, He will wash my sins white as snow. That means they’re gone. He won’t remind me of them, and I have nothing left to remind me of them either.

Now I will sin again of  course, just like I will inevitably feel sad or angry again. I just need to remember that I am a blessed child that is always accepted and always has her Father to whom she can turn. His son has already died to take the burden of my sins, so I do not need to carry them. My identity does not come from my sin or emotion but from my relationship with God. That will never change.

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“If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”

1 John 1:9

Provision in Transition

03 Wednesday Aug 2016

Posted by KaylasOnlyHeart in Journal, Uncategorized

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belonging, change, Christian living, God, home, Houston, lesson, life, move, packing, provision, routine, settling, stability, Texas, transition, trust, truth, unpacking

I recently moved south. My dad and I packed up his truck and a trailer and hauled all my precious belongings on the twelve hour drive to my new location. One of the biggest struggles involved getting my head around the fact that I would have to do it all again once or twice more within a year or so; I never liked change, especially big ones. Yet there I was facing multiple changes in jobs and homes.

This transition period included radical changes in my living arrangements. I now live with my dad, with whom I haven’t lived full time in nearly twenty years, and I have 75 percent of my belongings still in the garage. Separating from my book and movie collections, among other staples of my routine, proved difficult. The first week when I stayed at his old house had me living from my suitcase and unpacking my anxiety over the upheaval. Then I moved to the townhouse and got my clothes in the closet how I would at home. My sense of stability improved immediately.

At least a couple times a week, I found myself thinking about an item not in the current arrangement. I racked my brain about which box held the coveted item and even occasionally asked my friend who helped me pack about them. Each time I was able to remind myself that my belongings rested safe in the garage and I would have them out in due time when I got a place of my own again. I had what I needed at the moment.

That truth kept me grounded. I missed having my books and movies surrounding me, and I longed to have my place set up exactly as I wanted; yet I had what I needed. God provided me a spacious home, a comfortable bed (in a cool bedroom) and plenty of healthy food. Earlier today I finally noticed the move had made me realize and accept these truths. I caught myself contemplating the security of my phone (with stuff I still need to back up) and my preferred Ink Joy pens. Yet I stopped any anxious thoughts about them and rested in the assurance that God provided what I needed in the moment and that He would also provide provision for my belongings and my future home and routine. I learned it would continue to be a day to day provision and a day to day trust.

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#Write_On: Letter 3

17 Sunday Apr 2016

Posted by KaylasOnlyHeart in Journal, Uncategorized

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Egg Press, Hello!Lucky, letter, letterwriting, library, Mid-Continent Public Library, mug, National Letterwriting Month, reading, reading challenge, thank you, thanks, write_on, writing

Egg Press and Hello!Lucky promote National Letterwriting Month through their Write_On Challenge. They even sent me a card kit to get me started on more letters and included a zine for inspiration. The zine has 30 ideas for letters, and I’d like to give those prompts a whirl here.

The third letter is to thank “someone whose good work may go unnoticed.” I’d like to thank the friendly and efficient workers at Mid-Continent Public Library.

Dear Mid-Continent Public Library Staff,

I’ve recently been into three of your branches for various events and personal ventures and have been graced by your presence accompanied by the shelves of books and movies every time. In particular, I’d like to thank the woman who guided me to Anthony Clark’s storytelling class last weekend when I got a little lost. You saw me and kindly offered help; then you went even further to walk me to the room and talk with me along the way to make me feel welcome. That eased my nerves and got me even more excited about accepting a course offered by your library. I’d also like to thank the woman who gave me my mug for completing the Winter Reading Challenge. It felt good to accomplish (and exceed) a goal and then to get a reward for it. I love that you guys are doing that for adults as well as for children.

Thank you all for your work and for giving the library an even warmer vibe with your presence. You make the library a place I always want to visit again to introduce me to new insights through the books and classes and people.

Love  Always,

Kayla

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You can't make advances if you don't take chances. These posts share my perspectives of my journey as I step forward, walking in the Light.

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