Category Archives: Essay

The Little Paris Bookshop and The Big Structure Workshop

09 Monday May 2016

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Yesterday I finished reading Nina George’s novel The Little Paris Bookshop, and for the first time I gave fewer than three stars to a book on Goodreads. While the story had some insight into loss and the healing power of books, it had no strength. This came from a lack of structure. I pointed to Jean finding Manon, additionally letting go of his lost love in the process, as the overarching story goal. Yet even he didn’t seem to pursue that objective very strongly. He went on a mostly aimless adventure and made friends along the way. The added characters provided some color, but the lack of transition from scene to scene did not. Those poor people had no foundation upon which to stand.

This reminded me of how I ought to adjust the pursuit of some of my goals. Not having set times and strategies for tasks like job hunting and novel writing made it take even longer to get started, let alone see my desired progress. If I tightened my strategies with definitive times rather than as soon as I can, I could see better results. My high aims for my routine, my writing, my career and my life can stand better on a solid structure. It also would make it easier for others to grasp beneficial ideas and insight from my structure and what’s built into it.

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Lent Reflection: Meetings

18 Thursday Feb 2016

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Lent started just over a week ago, and today I start a new project of sorts to give me a better focus on God during this special time (yes, it’s okay to start late). Rather than fast from a particular food or activity during this season, I typically carve out some extra time to focus on God by using my spiritual gift of encouragement. This project I’ve mentioned involves taking that in a different direction. I plan to carve out time a couple times each week to reflect on my healing, how God has fulfilled it. For me, that is best done through writing or journaling (which I already do on a daily basis in the interest of maintaining my overall health).

The past couple weeks, I’ve contemplated the importance of regular meetings. “Meeting” can allude to an array of subjects to discuss at said gatherings. While I have noticed that having regular meeting times provides my life more structure and meaning, I have also contemplated the effect of regular meeting times for worship and community with God’s family.

In college, I found it easier to manage my symptoms of depression, anxiety and PTSD.  I created a routine and stuck to it, successfully accomplishing my goals to regularly exercise, pray, have mealtimes with friends, maintain my leadership position at Campus Christian Fellowship, attend worship services throughout the week and complete my school work and projects. I felt good about these tasks and my activities; I felt connected and enriched. I could see my growth. I have only recently noticed the pattern of meeting in the context of worship and spiritual growth having a significant role in keeping my focus and perspective on track. I was regularly reminded of Scripture and how God’s love fulfills it on a daily basis. I also met with a counselor and mentor to help me apply that to my life to keep my focus on the light rather than the darkness that tends to hover around me. All those meetings took up a considerable amount of time, but they made it possible for me to continue moving forward, and, most importantly, in the light.

The transition from college to the so-called “real world” can prove rough for everyone. Fortunately, I know I am not alone. Several friends have shared my struggle in finding a meaningful job or selecting the direction they want to take their careers. Transition of any sort has its difficulties. I just can’t help but see the importance and benefit of transitioning into more meetings to maintain the structure and stability of corporate worship and community. Even someone at a recent support group meeting mentioned how attending three different support groups every week for a while made it possible for her to step away from her destructive path; she even emphasized that continuing to attend meetings (this is more than fifteen years later) keeps her on that track. Sadly, as this same person shared, she’s been around long enough to see people get sober from drugs for years and then go back once they stop attending meetings. We all need constant meetings to keep our focus and accountability in perspective.

That brings me to a new goal. The past several weeks, I have adjusted my schedule to make it easier for me to regularly attend the church service where I feel most comfortable and the Celebrate Recovery program I feel most at home. Even a couple weeks of attending both meetings gave me a better structure and a sense of stability to keep me on track to progress my healing. I know I will add more meetings, but that gives me a good start. I can also rest assured that both those meetings maintain a focus on God’s grace and love.

 

Lent is a time to fast and focus. God can use focus and perspective through meetings to keep us on track. What meeting can you commit to attending, even just during Lent to give your time to improve your relationship with God and your life?

 

Proverbs 12:25: Kind Words

29 Wednesday Apr 2015

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An anxious heart weighs a man down, but a kind word cheers him up.

Proverbs 12:25


Anxiety literally weighs on the heart and body. As my mind races and my chest feels tight and fiery, my body feels crippled sometimes. I may break down and cry, or I may distract myself with a book. Still, the added worry of taking time from my schedule to do such an activity weighs further on my anxiety.

The catharsis of the tears and the story fulfillment and companionship in the book ease some of the nerves. I can get back on track after a time. Yet what brings me up is a kind word. I fortunately am blessed to have friends who speak my love language of words of affirmation and send me texts, cards, emails and phone calls to remind me of my strengths and worth. Even a simple well wish reminds me I am loved and am not alone in my journey. That quiets the unrest in my heart.

It’s easy to forget to remind people in my life how much they matter. Yet knowing I can have the same positive effect on my friends and family’s lives reminds me to let them know I’m thinking about them and care. Just last week a friend sent me a text to let me know how much my letters encouraged her, which in turn cheered me up. We are here to live life together.

Is there someone in your life who might benefit from a kind reminder of their worth today? Can you possibly even offer to help an anxious and/or depressed friend accomplish a task to share some of the physical burden? 

Uncovering the Pain: The Full Experience in the Present

12 Sunday Apr 2015

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            I, like many others, tend to bury my negative emotions. In some ways, I was trained never to express such sentiments. While the intention for me to inhibit these expressions has good thought, not dealing with them leads to further pain. I currently experience present pain as a result of past pain. This makes it difficult to simply “get over” those situations. Now I learn that fully experiencing these emotions plays a central role in unraveling the shame associated with them and conquering the subsequent fears. Then I can continue moving forward in a positive manner.

            I encourage you to allow yourself to experience your emotions so they can come and go. As you do this with me, pay close attention to your reactions. Keeping your perception and emotion rooted in truth plays a key role in not letting the negative experiences leave a festering wound. Understanding the way you filter your feelings may also help you uncover how you express affection and realize how to inhibit that less as well. Properly handling reactions and emotions will help us grow positively rather than stagnate in pain.

*reading reflection on Living in the Freedom of the Spirit by Tom Marshall

Flashback Friday: “Closer” by Ne-Yo

19 Friday Dec 2014

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Ne-Yo’s upbeat song “Closer” reminds us of the basic need for human interaction. Not only do people crave love on a deep level, but they seek simple connection. Even the music video shows that the singer can’t spend all his time alone. A wonderful link, or even a lack thereof, can trigger drug like responses in the brain.

It seems common knowledge that falling in love has its euphoric side effects. Ordinary conversation can produce similar reactions. As Ne-Yo describes the draw of the woman he sees at some public establishment, “I just can’t pull myself away.” Neither can anyone from society. A quick exchange at the grocery store reminds the customer and clerk that they live in a world where they serve each other. Talking to a trusted friend delves deeper to give each the opportunity to let their thoughts flow freely. Without sharing, people only crave interaction, leading to potential stir crazy actions. Yet most would share Ne-Yo’s sentiment that “I just can’t pull myself away/under a spell I can’t break/I just can’t stop” as they can’t last long without seeking out another person.

This song in particular captures the positively addictive powers of love, but it hits the basic need for human interaction as well. The more one gets, the more one wants, as they discover it “shines just like a star.” Like the shining woman, interaction owns the world.

Snow Blazing For Life Strides

18 Thursday Dec 2014

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I have one week left until Christmas, and snowfall last night has left hope for a white holiday. My early start time at work allows me to be one of the first out for the day. As a morning person, I somewhat enjoy this. Today I get extra introspection as I have placed the first footprints on the path leading into my apartment building. That path reminds me that sometimes I need to be a trailblazer.

Fortunately, I have walked the path from my doorstep to the parking lot several times already and know where to walk even when the pavement has a blanket of snow over it. Pausing to see the un-blazed powder, I admire the powder. This particular fall has a sparkle to its powder. I have not hesitated to make my way through its beauty. Yet my waking mind has shined its light on the fact that I usually hold back when standing on my various paths in life.

These paths may not have as clear of a pavement just beneath what I see on the surface like my apartment features, but they exist nonetheless. Focusing on the light, even when it barely shines beyond my feet, makes it possible to keep stepping forward. I get to blaze the trails that lead to work, love, success, community. Most importantly, I have a guide ahead of me that provides hope. My life has its sparkle as well.

On a personal note, I have made a couple positive strides toward a writing gig as well as a new job. They serve as first bigger steps that progress my career and writing. It’s time to stop hesitating and start moving!

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Gray Skies Proclaim Deliverance

10 Sunday Aug 2014

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My morning commutes to work give me time to admire the beauty of the sunrise God paints every morning as He reminds me He has gifted me with another day. Especially this week, I have witnessed the sky’s proclamation of God’s glory. This week maintains such a mix of gray clouds and light reflective of confusion and spiritual warfare in life. My week and weekend has included aspects of both, making the morning skies even more reflective of God’s ever-presence. The gray masses of positive stress adapting to my new job, spiritual warfare experienced by myself and co-workers as we band together to spread the Gospel, and confusion about pursuing new writing goals hover over my head much like the morning’s clouds. Yet light always bursts forth. As Psalm 19:1-2 sings,

The heavens declare the glory of God;

The skies proclaim the work of his hands.

Day after day they pour forth speech;

Night after night they display knowledge.

This emphasizes my personal connection to God’s glory, reflection on it, and my writing aspirations.

This week we have some weather reprieve from some rainfall; this provides more change in the sky as the clouds develop and move. My week has had its share of stress as well, notably from emotional buildup and schedule adjustments. A few times, I have gotten in my car and shared with God that He knew how I felt and painted the sky for me, maybe further pushing me to write about it later. I always note the light coming through the center of a dark cloud or a bright silver lining around a raincloud and am thankful that God is light and that darkness will never overcome that light. Even when the gray clouds merge into one, God will make sense of it all. My biggest example of this comes from the end of the week where the sky was simply gray when I left for work. Just a ways down the road, I noticed the blue above me. I could let go of my confusion because God has already answered my prayers.

At work and in my personal life, God clearly has answered several of my prayers that have been weighing on my heart lately. It seems like as soon as I was more open to letting Him use me and me placing my brokenness and desires in His hands, the more He enlightened me and the more He opened doors for me. These revelations most notably came through encouraging interactions with friends and co-workers.

To give an idea of my heart lately, I have been contemplating several writing projects, healing from heartbreak, settling into my new job, and joyously adapting to my regular working hours routine. Again, this all creates positive stress, but it involves a lot of transition at one time. God has spoken to me through His portraits in the sky (an artistic fitting way for a reflective writer like me) and the conversations I have. A friend of mine has casually told me that I should write the novel I’ve had growing in my mind, just the little push of courage I need to get past my first line I’ve had for a while; my boss has found ways to utilize my writing and editing skills and noted me for a volunteer position with our organization that would get me the media exposure and experience I need; I have been reminded of the continual purpose of certain relationships with people; a couple people I recently met have reached out to me in what might be an answer to my prayer for a mentors relationship. God has reminded me that my heart for Him and how I share His love is a testament to Him and can touch other people; I have even met another person at my work who is helping me find outlets to publish my work. Doors are opening, and God is showing His glory.

What stands out to me most throughout all this is how much God honors our efforts to be open to His plan. One of my co-workers pointed out that we should all know good things are ahead when because some of us were going through some spiritual warfare. She is so spot-on. Just look at how God has delivered me again this week and shown me opportunities to glorify Him. As I open myself to Him and His plan for me, He honors my efforts to share His love, especially as I do that through the support of His body and the power of prayer. Now I pray that God will continue to give me courage and strength to pursue the use of my gifts and that they ultimately point to Him. I lift up the end of Psalm 19, verse 14:

May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart

Be pleasing in your sight,

O LORD, my Rock and my Redeemer.

to remind us that God holds us firmly and delivers us that we may serve Him. May the skies and the efforts of our gifts proclaim His glory forever.

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Flashback Friday: “Bigger Than My Body” Above The Pavement

04 Friday Apr 2014

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We all want to soar when it comes to life to dreams to love. In “Bigger Than My Body,” John Mayer declares, “Someday I’ll fly/Someday I’ll soar/Someday I’ll be/So damn much more/’Cause I’m bigger than my body/Gives me credit for.” Let us not forget that we have the ability to soar and that others possess this potential as well. Keeping this bigger picture in mind helps us reach our goals and encourage others as well.

Often times we hold ourselves back because, simply, it’s easier to accept the status quo. Most people understand that the rock stars we hear on the radio, the anchors we see on TV, the best-selling authors we read exemplify rare cases. Yet the poets who share their pieces with writing communities online also find success. They take the first step toward flight. Maybe it leads to a full-blown writing career. Then again, it might never lead to any published work. Emerging from their shell, no matter how slowly, marks the path to success.

Mayer points out the possibility that “Maybe I’ll tangle in the power lines.” Lifting ourselves from our foundation involves more risk. Obstacles surround us overhead, and the solid pavement remains below. It provides stable ground, but it also hurts as a landing spot after a tumble. The firm aspect serves as the core or the heart of the quest, the “more to learn.” We can always stand on this soil.

Then we can “shed this skin I’ve been tripping in/never to quite return.” For we continually change as we grow into our new found successes, even if that entails healing from scrapes or bruises along the way. Let’s stretch our wings as they allow to see how we soar. Remember there is always more than what meets the eye as we don’t see one’s full reach in one glance.

Flashback Friday: Beautiful Day Every Day

28 Friday Mar 2014

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I remember when I first heard this song. It’s on the Now 6 CD I bought over ten years ago. The U2 hit still rings true as ever as encouragement to not let the good in each day get away.

This seems like a good reminder for this season as we welcome the return of the green trees, pink and red flowers, golden sun. The days become more aesthetically beautiful, which makes it easier to embrace the beauty of life. We accept the change.

Yet that doesn’t mean the fresh growth is always easy. Sometimes we have to let go of people we love. Other times we have to tackle situations we didn’t expect. We can’t always predict how the seeds we plant might grow.

I have found myself in a new beginning in every aspect of my life, some planned others not quite anticipated. Sometimes it gets discouraging not knowing where my next home will be as I wait for a couple details to unfold. I still have my family, friends, and journal. What makes my house a home travels with me and will settle with me again.

No matter what, it’s a beautiful day. Some sort of flower always blooms. Take notice of the good and don’t let another day in your life get away unnoticed for its beauty.

The Absence Of Success

20 Monday Jan 2014

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Tonight I have had the pleasure of watching one of my all time favorite movies. In Elizabethtown, Cameron Crowe paints such a beautiful picture of failure and loss. Drew Baylor finds himself facing a failure at work categorized as a fiasco, a failure of mythic proportion, right as he finds out his father has died. By the end, he embraces his carefree, deep spirited love interest Claire’s mantra to “fail big and stick around. Make them wonder why you’re still smiling.” It’s all about perseverance to get that success.

While I haven’t exactly faced failure in the same sense and haven’t experienced any significant loss lately, I still want to take that philosophy with me on my journey to improve my career and life right now. Recently, I have interviewed for a position at a company that sounded like a job I’d absolutely love and was in the perfect location. I have since found out that they have decided to choose another candidate. Not having that kind of job secured makes it more difficult for me to determine my living arrangement. All I can do is keep pressing forward, and that’s what I do. Part of that means I have to take a seemingly greater risk by moving prior to landing my dream job. At least I can transfer my retail job to whichever store I choose.

The area I choose may ultimately be the landmark of my “success.” On his way home from his father’s funeral, Drew honors his promise to Claire to take a road trip across the country. As he starts in Kentucky, he visits special places on the way back to Oregon. One place of particular interest involves the music scene in Memphis, Tennessee. The screen shows signs for big record companies and posters with Elvis. He stops to talk to a bar owner after eating a bowl of the world’s best chili. Drew even stops to visit scenes of tragedy, including the site of Martin Luther King Jr.’s assassination and the survivor tree in Oklahoma City. This mix of success, failure, and tragedy culminate the movie’s theme that the bigger picture always extends far beyond the scope of a current failure, even beyond a fiasco. As the movie points out, Martin Luther King Jr.’s “death was only the beginning of his success.” Maybe the fiasco at work is merely the beginning of Drew’s success. Either way, he maintains his smile and pursues a relationship with Claire and moves forward after losing his previous job.

I too keep smiling through the potential disappointment of not getting jobs for which I interview. The odds always are greater that I will not hear back from a company after filling out an application, let alone get an interview. Yet the odds only go up when I fill out another one. Keeping a smile on my face, I appreciate the situation in which I find myself and my determination to take efforts to increase my odds and make my environment the best it can be for myself. That perseverance will get me my next job one of these days.